I've hated my last two birthdays.

Ive hated my last two birthdays.
They are a constant reminder that I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20. And that terrifies me. I don't mean to be selfish or inconsiderate to those who would wish to be in my position in more ways than one. But the idea that I'm not even close to where I feel I should have been gnaws at me, it scrapes away at my soul, taking life with each gnashing claw, and all I'm left with in my hand is a paper full of dreams and grand ambitions.
I usually tell my close friends that ambition is a curse. And its pangs are best felt in youth, when you have all the energy, but none of the wisdom, patience or foresight that age affords you. That's when you hear echoes of grand calls, your instincts edging you on to achieve, dream, and discover, and it's almost unfair.
It's almost unfair because all around you you see all the extremes that exist, a small subset of peers being overly successful and the vast majority having their wit and luck manifest at a slower pace, and I have to admit it's not the easiest sight to wrap your mind around, especially when your mind is clouded by the excitement and disappointment of it all.
But in more ways than most, I see hope and faith. I see it in the children in church; I see it in the random lady I buy my fish from; I see it in the gleaming faces of my parents and sister when I mention some seemingly obscure achievement; and I see it in history and prophecy alike.
Because despite the tough economic and prevailing times, as long as there is life, there is hope.As long as I have my annoying ambition, my will, my faith and my desire for a happier generation, I will hold on, because unlike selfish ambition, the most damning ambition is that given to you, because at heart of that ambition will be the desire to make the world a better place,
And my goodness, you cannot put an age to that,
You cannot tie that pressing desire to human timelines,
You cannot let your fear dictate its achievement.
I've hated my last two birthdays,
They are a constant reminder that I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20. And that still terrifies me. But that fear is a reminder that there is a life to be lived. A selfless life, devoted to the betterment and uplifting of humankind. A life full of meaning, impact and joy.
I hope you learn through my fear, to seek to live that life